got so upset with myself today and stressed out and angry i had to just hurt myself it was the only way to stop the hurting in my head and in my chest. cut myself again now i’m wearing a massive plaster and long sleeves to fucking hide it from my fam. feel really disappointed and angry with myself and ashamed. feel hypercritical as well for some weird reason, never thought i’d ever have to resort to this but i don’t know how else to handle everything is just building up. 

i’m like not even sure wtf is going on with me anymore. i think i had like a breakdown or something today. i’m not even sure why. exam pressure maybe i’m not sure it’s not like i haven’t done them before but i’m getting more and more down about myself and less confident when i’m mean’t to be going to uni and stuff i can’t be the shy weird girl at uni that would be awful. i actually self harmed for the first time today like properly cut the side of my wrist 3 times, only 3 cos that’s only how much weak lil old me could take it actually hurt and i don’t understand how people can do it again and again but it felt weird for awhile and made me forget why i was really upset. i covered the cuts with a plaster so that my mum wouldn’t see them but i got really upset with myself afterwards for doing it. a part of me also thought i deserved it because i’ve upset my sister and other people so it was only fair to hurt myself. it was scary because it’s one of those things that i’d never thought i’d do because i’m so chicken usually and can’t handle pain because im all weak. there was a moment when i thought about just slashing my wrists completely and thinking that nobody would even miss me and it’d probably be doing them a favour by never having to see me again. but anyway  my bdays coming up so i’ll focus on that for now and try to stay positive.

do you know when you just want to help somebody but you can’t and it annoys you cos not being able to help them makes you feel like shit and like you’ve failed them because you really should be the one to help them? like ya i’m the older one i’m the one that’s meant to know what the fuck to do to help out and to be there and to be caring and shit but i don’t even know how to. when something happens i just lock myself away and stay in bed for days pretending that it hasnt happened and escape to my own little dream world. i daydream a lot more than average probably. i had a few days last week were i honestly thought i was gonna flip out in lessons because i couldn’t handle it, everything felt like it was building up and i could feel like a panic attack coming on or something. anyone that knows me well will probably know i dont like being the centre of attention i’d rather just be in the background i only feel comfortable and confident with like a handful of people so this isnt me being dramatic, which is probably what some people who don’t even know me think. ugh. and i’m ALWAYS there for one of my friends from school and she’s in college with me now but it’s like always about her, everything she goes through is worse than everyone else and it isnt cos she has a nice family - like i do - and i really dont see why she complains all the time. she made a big deal of her uncle dying the other day and all i was thinking about when i was sitting there was that she hadnt even asked me how i was after my auntie had a miscarriege thats a death of a life too but she didnt even know cos she didnt even ask. i find myself getting annoyed at her when really i dont even want to be annoyed at her cos she’s one of my oldest friends.

again it’s been awhile. so much stuff has happened. my aunty had a miscarriage and it really upset me because im really close to her, i cried in front of my psych class and walked out but only 2 of them including the tutor know why. today i felt like screaming psych i feel unable to do anything anymore and i could feel myself panicking more and more as the lesson went on :(